The old Keshani didn’t see anything wrong with that thought - they were the ones that were flaunting their status; they were the ones that looked down on her or ignored her or were disgusted by her.
But the newly emerging/developing Keshani wondered about that. She had to do what she needed to survive. She couldn’t argue that. Survival instincts were just that, and that’s what some of her stealing had been. But not all.
And for the first time ever she felt a bit of regret at all of the antics she had taken part in while growing up on the streets. She hoped she hadn’t caused families like Kaleco’s to be harmed or destroyed.
She waited for the part of her brain - the tough part - to lash out at her, berating her for thinking such things. She waited, but the voice didn’t come.
"Damaris, I don't gotta tell you the galaxy is a hard place. There's a lot of sorrow and misery to go around, and I figure you seen more'n your fair share. But the way I see it, you can either live your life in fear of all that sadness, and never be happy; or you can take the happy where you can find it. There's always gonna be more misery, but that just makes the good times a treasure. Just think about that.". Kaleco.
Another conversation from what felt like ages ago came to mind, winding its way through her thoughts, as well.
She had been sitting with Maris and Maris had done something with the Force to make her mind go calm.
"I wish....that I could feel like this forever."
"You can, you know. Always feel this way. But it would mean letting go of a lot of stuff."
"I know, it's hard. You deal with pain and deprivation every day, day in an day out without end, it starts to define you. You can start to feel like if you didn't have that, you wouldn't exist anymore. It can be scary to think about that. And it's not like you flip a switch and forget all the druk you've been force-fed your whole karking life. It takes work, and time. But it gets a little easier every day to not define yourself by what happened to you, but by the choices you make now."
And as silly as it sounds, as Keshani looked around at the rolling hills around her, it seemed like maybe the sun had begun to shine a little brighter. If she always looked for the bad in situations; if she always expected to be hurt; if she always expected others to be disgusted with her, to exclude her and think of her as lesser or beneath them then that’s what she would find.
But there was another option. She just had to be willing to take it.
Danny had trusted her now 3 times to lead a project that was important to accomplish. She had trusted her. That certainly wouldn’t have happened if she thought less of her or was disgusted by her. Holler, too, had volunteered his team twice, even after the first time hadn’t gone so well. He had volunteered a third time, but Kesh had chosen not to take him up on that offer. He hadn’t done that because he had to. There were other teams around. He had done it because he wanted to.
Even the natives had trusted her. And Trax, Collan, Niil and Nim….they had all trusted her to do various things on their escape from the Station, as well. Things that were important. That would have been pretty bad if they hadn’t worked.
