Karvis
Player Journals => Keli's Scratchpad => Topic started by: Keshani on February 05, 2019, 05:55:18 PM
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Kesh was really starting to hate long drives. At first the long drives were ok - a chance to think, relax, and watch the world go by.
But she felt so much like she was wasting time. And she felt confined in a way - stuck in a transport.
When she was a kid she had pretty much free run of wherever she could get to. Since then confinement had always equated to torment and torture and having to do things against her will.
Not that that's what she felt here.
She was completely here voluntarily.
In fact, there were those who probably would have preferred if she WEREN'T here and would have done a certain amount of things out of their way to make sure she didn't end up here.
But it was her choice.
She remembered the statue back on Alderaan that sparked her epiphone and her decision to come here. She thought about her reasons for doing so; the reasons she had given at that time, anyway.
They still held true. She still wanted to be here to make sure that others didn't have to go through everything that she had gone through, that they didn't have to go through anything that ANYONE was going through at the hands of the Empire. She hated the Empire with all of her heart and wanted to cause it harm.
She thought back to the statue on Alderaan again and her conversation with General Antilles. She wondered what it felt like to genuinely have peace as a motive; to have no hate or anger as a driving force; to just merely want to....co-exist.
She doubted she would ever truly be able to know that or understand it. Not after everything she had been through.
She watched the landscape whizz by. She had sat up front with Holler driving again. She usually sat in the back, but she had ran around and beat Grunt out for the "shotgun" seat and he had let her have it for once. Softy.
Her gaze turned to Holler as he drove and she watched him for a few moments.
"Hey Holler?" she asked, shifting her position a bit to sit up.
"You don't have to answer if you don't want to and all, but I was just thinking and wondering....
"When you started doing military type stuff, or security type stuff, why did you want to do it?"
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"Easy," he says. "I wanted to protect people. If the bad guys are shooting at me, then they're not shooting at anyone else."
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She frowned slightly. "But at what point in life did you decide that your life goal was go let yourself get hurt so others didn't have to? Like did you just wake up one day and decide you wanted to --" she stopped. to be a human punching bag was what she had been about to say but she thought better of it. "-protect others?" She finished instead somewhat lamely
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He is quiet for a moment, and you notice Grunt lowers her eyes a moment before finding something to stare at out the window.
"I was pretty young, Snaps. Maybe thirteen? Might have been a little older. It's not a happy story. But I decided then that I was going to do what I could to protect people. So I signed up, as soon as I was old enough."
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She watched him for a minute in silence and then looked at Grunt for a moment too.
"Does like everyone have some sort of thing like that that prompted them to want to do this?"
She shrugged slightly realizing that what she said might not be taken the way she meant it.
"It's just....look, I know I'm far from one of you guys and all. But I...acquired....an intense hatred for the Empire because of things that they did and I guess I thought I was more the exception than the rule. And I guess a part of us non soldiery people tend to think soldiers do what they do just because I don't know...they take pleasure in it somehow?"
"That sounds really awful after getting to know you guys a bit.
"But I don't know..it seems more and more that maybe at least most people who are fighting in this war have like a personal reason to be here. I guess that's a bit...overwhelming...to think about."
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He takes a breath. Grunt keeps looking out the window.
"The Empire had been hard on a lot of people, Snaps. A lot of lives have been ruined, in a lot of ways. People react to it differently. Some want revenge. Some want to protect people. Some want to overthrow a tyrant. Some just like fighting. Some people doing ti because their family, or they like the uniforms. There's a lot of reasons people pick up a gun and put on a uniform. But people do other things too - like become a hotshot tech specialist and help build a new outpost out in the middle of nowhere."
He smiles and glances at you.
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She giggled softly at his comment.
"I didn't 'become' a hotshot tech specialist, sir." (she emphasized the word "sir" in a silly, teasing/slightly sarcastic way), "I've always been one."
But then her face turned serious again.
"It's just....weird. Like, as a kid I didn't ever hear anything about the Empire doing bad things. I guess we were just in a buble on Bakura or something..."
She glanced over at Grunt, noting that she was still staring out the window pointedly.
"I'm.....I'm sorry. We don't have to talk about this anymore..."
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She catches you looking at her, returns the look for a moment, then goes back to looking out the window.
'It's fine," she says.
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She felt kinda awful, feeling like she should say something, but not knowing what. She glanced at Holler, trying to ask with her expression what she should do, but she knew he was driving at might not even notice her look.
"How long have you all been together?" she asked feeling pretty lame with the question but feeling like she needed to say *something*
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"Well, Me, Spitz and Screamer have been together the longest, 5 years or so. We signed up on Chandrilla and eventually found ourselves in the same infantry squad. from there we were recruited by Senator Mothma for a 'special assignment' she said - taking the fight to the Imps. That's where we met Peepers, Jacks, Hassle and Kicker. We did a few things here and there. Then Grunt joined us, oh, I guess that was about a year ago now."
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"That must be really......neat -- neat's a sucky word but I'm gonna use it anyway -- to like have been together so long."
In her mind, even though she has worked with these Specs for a bit now, she saw kinda a romantic view of the military - of guys living like brothers, like family - relying on each other and watching each other's backs and being kinda...happy....and content.
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Holler nods. "Yeah, it makes a great team. But it's not all roses. Soldiers go where they're told, so there's three others that came with us from Chandrilla who we haven't seen since leaving. And over the course of missions, we've lost people too. Not every fight is clean. People get hurt, and people die. That doesn't diminish why we do what we do, and I wouldn't trade the experience or the memories of them for anything. But there's pain in loosing a companion you've shed blood beside for years."
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She let the silence kinda settle for a few moments, watching the trees and hills go by around them but then it was too much. She turned and narrowed her eyes playfully.
"And all you big strong soldier folk don't mind being stuck here babysitting us techs?"
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He smiles. "No way I could do what you do. I can't bring water to the camp for several hundred people. No way I could organize a frackin droid work party. And truth be told, I'd have gunned down that charging Dantarii, and likely precipitated a bloodbath. If me doing what I do, lets you do what you do, then I have no problem with it at all." He snickers. "Besides, this assignment was been way more exciting that I expected."
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"Oh, do tell." she smirked back at him.
"Am I providing you with enough entertainment then?"
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"Plenty, Snaps. Don't go looking for trouble though - we're perfectly content to be bored out of our skulls."
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She sighed softly and it was clear that part of it was pure theatrics, but there was an undertone of something akin to seriousness in it as well.
Again she was quiet for several moments and the transport continued to mark time with its various bumps and creaks alone.
She wondered what direction she wanted to take the conversation. Or maybe more so what direction she should take the conversation.
It had somehow gotten easy for her, at least with this particular group, to forget that they were military sometimes and just think of them as.....friends......comrades.
And that realization, it itself, was a bit.....shocking....to her.
She thought back to her time on Alderaan, when just the sight of Major Antilles in his uniform had made her want to crawl out of her skin. It had brought with it so many memories from Hell World and the station and the overseers.
But now she was working with these guys pretty much every day. Hell, she, herself was now wearing a uniform of sorts of her own accord.
And it was just....surprising.....to suddenly realize that it was okay now; that she could laugh with these guys and feel.....safe; that she actually enjoyed their company and it seemed, at least, that they didn't mind hers so much either.
And that realization, as much as it made her feel a bit of warm-and-fuzziness inside, also sent a shock wave of fear through her gut as well.
She thought back to her solo drive to the trading depot and her decision that she had made to give up the walls she had fought so hard to build and preserve for so long, or at least relax the maintenance so that they could deteriorate and fall over time; the decision that if letting people in had the potential to cause her an immense amount of pain that maybe she was finally ready to take that risk.
Which then brought her thinking back to the current conversation and Holler's comments that even though he had lost companions he wouldn't give up the experience or the memories for anything.
She thought about asking him if he thought this fight was worth it; that anything would ever change.
But she had a feeling that that would sound empty; a stupid thing to ask someone who has dedicated his life to protecting others to continue a cause.
She didn't know what he had been through that prompted him to join up as soon as he was old enough. She certainly didn't know what was causing Grunt to not even look at her throughout this conversation.
But she knew the hatred for the Empire that slow-burned inside of her and realized what her response would be if someone asked her that. She enjoyed the...respect...that she had somehow earned with these guys too much to risk jeopardizing it by asking something so stupid.
"Ya know," she said finally, more thinking out loud than anything, maybe not even aware that she was actually talking out loud and not just conscious stream of thought thinking to herself,
"The overseers and guards with the Empire - they....took pleasure in other people's pain, in power and control and how much hurt they could cause.
"It was so just...all over and consistent that it almost seemed normal after a while."
She spoke slowly, lost in thought, staring out the window as she spoke.
"But you guys here are just as military, just as trained and just as professional but are so totally opposite of that."
Again she paused, a bit off in her own little world,
"I....didn't know that that was possible."
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Holler is quiet for several seconds. While he is ruminating, you feel a gentle hand on your shoulder from behind.
"Not every solider wants to hurt, Snaps. Not even every Imperial, either. The Lieutenant is an example of that. People are people - some of them are nice and kind, and some are protective and self-sacrificing, and some are right bastards. And soldiers are people, just like the rest. You're going to find good ones and bad ones everywhere you go."
Beside you, Holler nods. "Yeah, there is that. It's easy to hate Imperials, but some of them are just like us - fighting to protect something they believe is worth protecting."
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She started slightly at the hand on her shoulder before remembering that Grunt had been right there. She had been so off in her own little world....
But their comments made her kind of do a double take thinking about them.
"But," she said, slowly, "if some Imps are not bad and are just trying to protect something they believe in...
"I'm sorry, you don't have to answer this if you don't want to. You can tell me to shut up and stop talking. But I don't understand. How....How do you know who to fight if there's good people on both sides?"
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Hollar shrugs. "You fight because the side they fight for is wrong, even if they don't realize it. But, don't hate them just because of the uniform they wear."
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Her brain was still trying to make sense of the idea of not hating the enemy. And that not all of the Imperials were bad; that some were just like them.
It was true that Danny had turned out ok. But she wasn't a soldier....
In order for them to survive as soldiers didn't they have to be mean? To be evil? I mean, who else would want to do that job?
But that was just a stupid thought. Holler and the others weren't mean; certainly weren't evil. And they had said some of the Imps were just like them.
She would have to think that over for a bit.
But...
"I'll try not to hate them just because of the uniform they wear, but I sure as frak still hate the ones that I met on Hell World and the Station..."
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He nods. "That's fair. I'm just saying to keep an open mind. Hate is like drinking poison. It certainly isn't good for you, and take in enough and it can kill you."
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Behind him, Grunt says, "Wise words."
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"....I'm just saying to keep an open mind. Hate is like drinking poison. It certainly isn't good for you, and take in enough and it can kill you."
Kesh stared out the window of the transport for several long moments, lost in thought.
She'd felt hatred toward so many people throughout her life. If hate was poison then her blood must be pretty stang polluted by now....
But she didn't quite know that she agreed 100% with what the two soldiers were saying. Maybe it was true. But hate did something else, as well; as did pain - it made you fight that much harder; it kept you going when otherwise you might just want to give up.
She opened her mouth several times to say these things, to tell Holler that he was wrong.
But she closed her mouth each time without speaking the words.
She had a feeling they wouldn't go over very well. And what would the purpose of saying them be anyway? pity? sympathy?
So she kept quiet and let the background noise of the trip take over for a bit.
Finally, feeling the need to break the silence she said "I'm glad that you guys are out here with us."
She reached an arm out to both Holler and Grunt, placing one on each of their shoulders in a gesture of camaraderie.
"Although," she said, a mischievous glint returning to her eyes, "some of us could really use a sanisteam about now....I think any enemy on this planet will soon be able to find us by smell..."
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Holler smiles. "We all could. Life in the field, Snaps. Life in the field."
[Anything else you want to cover?]
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(Nah...not right now. Thanks for the rp)