Karvis
Player Journals => Keli's Scratchpad => Topic started by: Keshani on March 10, 2019, 06:11:43 PM
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(OOC: Ok. So, timing for this is right after the conversation with Holler and Grunt on the transport back to the temporary base, but the conversation triggers a flashback to a conversation with Trax while back on Alderaan right before her conversation with Antilles and her ultimate decision to join the Rebellion....Just for brain hurting purposes, the flashback conversation this goes back to has not yet been written. Writing will commence below...)
She sat back in the transport staring out the window. The transport was quiet, with the rumble of the road and the various bumps, creaks and banging noises that ensued from driving down it lulling Kesh into a contemplative mood.
The conversation with Holler and Grunt had caused some memories to surface from a previous conversation - one that felt like, at this point, it had taken place forever ago; almost in another time.
But thinking back to it made her stomach feel a bit hollow (although maybe not as much as at one time it would have)
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She had been walking toward the Quarters he shared with Nim. Nim was in the medbay still as far as Kesh knew, and Trax had kinda been ignoring her lately with all the attention he had been spending on Nim.
She got that in one part of her mind, but the other part was, admittedly a little jealous and a little hurt (well, maybe a lot hurt). Especially after he had told her that she couldn't come with him, but Nim could.
At first she had just been avoiding him, "licking her wounds" so to speak on her own. But, after Major Antilles visited and asked what direction she might like to go in for her future and suggesting the Rebellion again as a possible way to go, Kesh felt super conflicted and confused again and panicked.
And when she felt confused and panicked lately there were about two people she felt she could go to - Maris and Trax.
And, since she had managed to tick Maris off with their last conversation....
So she was on her way to the quarters Trax shared with Nim.
Because....when Trax was being a jerk and she wanted to get his attention, apparently what she did was raid his quarters...
It had worked so well before.....
But then the conversation from that time had come to mind: "Next time you want to talk, just find me okay. I won't promise we'll play that game again, but if you have questions, ask. "
She sighed and stopped walking, pulling out her commlink instead.
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Trax had been sitting on the ground, his back against the trunk of a large tree in either one of the many gardens, or was it just one really really big one, around the Royal Palace. The warmth from the sun and occasional light breeze felt good on his face and arms, and that included his artificial one. He'd only had the new one a few days but already he found that he had to remind himself that it wasn't real.
Nim was currently getting her cybernetics in and between all the time they'd recently spent inside shuttles and the fact that he couldn't recall ever just being able to relax outdoors, he'd taken the opportunity to find a relatively quiet spot. The usual scents of metal and machinery were gone, in their place the smells from the myriad of different flowers, shrubs, trees and even the grass. The sounds he was accustomed to, noisy military bases or the hum of a hyperdrive replaced with the chirping of birds and the hum of unseen insects. It was almost a little unnerving at first but the natural sounds quickly became pleasant, and even quite relaxing. The only real noise disturbances came from the occasional airspeeder flying over head. Until his comm went off.
"Trax here." he said answering the comm, lowering the datapad that contained specs and options for the new armor being made for him he'd been reviewing.
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"Trax?", came the voice over the commlink.
It was Keshani, her voice tentative, but mixed with a bit of panic, hurt, confusion, and urgency at the same time.
Trax realized he hadn't really seen much of the girl over the last bit of time since arriving on Alderaan….
"I really really need to talk to you. Please?"
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Trax's brow furrowed a little when he heard the wide range of emotions in Keshani's voice. What could have happened here that would elicit that tone?
"Yeah, sure." he began.
"I'm just out in the garden, or one of the gardens depending on how you look at it, where are you? Do you want me to come to you, you come here or meet somewhere?"
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"I'm um..."
There was a pause.
"Outside your quarters," she responded, her voice calming a bit and a bit of sheepishness creeping into it.
She wondered if by telling him that, he could figure out what she had thought about doing...
"I....can come to you. The gardens sound....nice."
*****************
A few minutes later, after a couple of calls back and forth for Kesh to figure out where, exactly, Trax was, she found him.
She wasn't running. But she looked kind of.....lost in thought? as she walked up to Trax still sitting on the ground leaning up against a tree.
"Thanks for letting me come talk to you," she said.
There was still that trace of confusion and hurt mixing in her voice and in her expression, although she didn't seem as panicked now. She did look like someone who was half afraid of the Being she was approaching biting her or something, though.
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Trax gave the girl a small, amused smile.
"I'm not some military commander or palace official Kesh, you don't need to thank me for agreeing to have a conversation.
Now the amazing life altering advice I'll be bestowing upon you during the conversation, that'll be worth a thank you." he said, his smile widening, clearly amused with himself.
The man gestured to the ground.
"Have a seat, what's on your mind?"
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She snorted, her body language returning to something that seemed a bit more relaxed and normal.
"Feeling a bit full of yourself today are we?"
She sat down next to Trax, not quite facing him or looking at him still, her legs out in front of her, kicking the ground with her heels as she sat for a moment, not speaking.
"When we were on Kashyyk and the Rebels asked you to join you chose not to. Can I ask why?"
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Trax just shrugged slightly at the girl's remark, but his smile faded when she'd asked her question. What, he wondered, would trigger that kind of question.
"There's a number of reasons." he began, in his usual tone.
"What happened?" he asked, looking to see if the girl would share why she'd ask such a question.
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She gave her own shrug, suddenly feeling awkward. It felt like forever since she had talked to Trax. And he had obviously been out here doing something that she had disturbed.....
"How's Nim?" she asked, changing the subject. "Is she feeling better?"
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"She's good." Trax said accepting the subject change without hesitation. Kesh was here for a reason, he'd bring it out soon enough.
"I'm not a fan of her decision to put tech in her head, but it's her decision and and whether I agree with it or not I'll stand by her and support her."
The man paused for a few seconds.
"And how are you?"
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She blinked at him.
She blinked again.
"She's getting WHAT in her head?"
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"She wants to be a little more...hands off, and still do what she needs to.
What that all requires for tech implants I'm not sure, but it'll have to wire into here." Trax tapped the side of his head.
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"Duuuuuuude…"
Her eyes were wide like orbs and it was clear that all sorts of ideas were going through her head. But she didn't say anything.
After a few minutes of sitting there in silence, she seemed to come back to reality a bit. Her eyes became less....orbish" and the weird look on her face faded.
"Major Antilles came to talk to me.", she said.
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"And he asked you to join, which you're not sure if you want to, which is why you want to know why I won't." he said, expressing his thoughts on the situation.
"Sound about right?"
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She nodded a bit sheepishly.
"Yeah..."
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"Alright." Trax started.
"First off, I've got my own problems to deal with. And the longer I don't deal with them, the more likely they'll be to try and bite me when I'm not ready for them.
Next up is the whole authority and following orders stuff. That doesn't work well for me. I won't follow a plan I don't agree with, especially when it's coming from someone all high and mighty that's not willing to be in the trenches risking their own life to execute their own plan. And when things start to go sideways in the field, I won't follow any order I don't believe in. I also like the freedom to come and go as I please. If I'm stuck in some ridiculous command structure I lose that."
Hearing the whine of repulsors Trax looked up to see an air speeder whip across the sky.
"I also don't believe in causes, especially when that cause expects you to put the cause ahead of the lives of individuals." he continued, turning back to Kesh.
"I prefer to, very selectively, put my belief in people, in individuals. A cause can be twisted by a bad person or force a good person to do bad things."
Trax stopped there, purposely having left out one other reason, that he didn't think they could win.
"That's why I won't join."
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She listened quietly as he spoke.
In a way it was almost the most that he'd explained about his own thinking that she remembered for a while.
Usually he was pretty private and didn't want to talk about himself....
"But," she asked, when he finished,
"Nim said she would join didn't she? So what happens when she has to do all of these things?"
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Trax let out a heavy sigh. Kesh had expressed something he'd been struggling with since Kashyyk.
"I don't really know.
To say fighting the Empire is important to her is an understatement.
But if I did agree to join, that would mean we both have to accept that if letting the other die is the only way what ever mission we're on succeeds, then that's what we have to be willing to do. And I would never accept that. If Nim living means the mission will fail, then to hell with the mission.
On the other hand, I don't know if they'll be happy that I'm around if I'm not part of their structure.
Her joining also poses another problem for me. Going to deal with my problems means leaving her to the mercy of whatever security flunky they assign to her. Or, she decides to come with me which means I've forced her to give up on something that means a lot to her."
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"Wow," Kesh couldn't help but comment (Teenage prerogative to have no sense of grace or filter right?)
"I think this is the most that you've talked to me about yourself. Like ever."
It was as if she hadn't really even realized she had said those words out loud, and her face flushed red when she realized that she had spoken then and immediately gasped slightly.
"I'm so sorry! I didn't mean...."
She bit her lip, shifting away from Trax perhaps even subconsciously (maybe afraid he would retaliate against her comment in some way?)
"You must really love her...", she said softly
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"I guess that means I've talked enough." Trax said with a wry smile responding to Kesh's first remark and ignoring her last one.
"Which means it's your turn.
To join or not to join, that is the question. So tell me, what are the reasons you can think of for joining?"
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"Well," she started, relaxing her posture a bit after deciding that Trax wasn't going to retaliate at all due to what she had inadvently said,
But then she stalled out, not saying anything for a few moments. It was as if she was trying to gather her thoughts to turn them into something that was okay to say; that would express the feelings swirling around inside of her in a way that would make sense to someone outside of her own head.
"I hate the Imps.", she finally said lamely. But there was a hardness to her face - a bit of tightness to her eyes and a catch in her voice that expressed way more than the words that she said.
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"That makes two of us." Trax agreed with Kesh's very short, direct reply.
He knew some of what the girl had been through, but mostly in very general terms.
"But hate is an emotion, not a reason. I would say it's usually born out of a reason, or a number of reasons, but it's not a reason in of itself.
What would your reasons be for joining."
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She shrugged, looking a bit uncomfortable, but also a bit angry. The anger didn't seem to be directed at Trax.
"Trax, I slept on Hell World in a pile of dirt piled up with what felt like hundreds of other Beings trying to do the exact same thing, hoping to actually get a few hours of rest before someone showed up with a blaster pistol again. They shot people before my eyes for being so weak that they couldn't even stand in line to get the stuff they referred to as 'food'."
Her nose wrinkled a bit and her body tensed as clearly she was reliving the smells of charred flesh and sights she was describing as she spoke.
"I had to dig pits while being stood over by guards threatening me with various weapons or threats of what they would do to me if I stopped for no other reason other than that they found it entertaining. There was no purpose for the pits. They just..wanted us to dig them.
"The station? A little better, but not much."
She looked down at the ground in front of her and picked at a blade of grass.
"Danny rescued me from them torturing me because the overseer thought I was trouble," she continued softly, again, clearly reliving memories.
She was quiet for a few moments again before seemingly working to pull her attention away from her thoughts.
"I want to make them not be able to do that to other kids; other people. And, I guess to be honest I want to make them pay for what they did to me."
She shrugged.
"I guess it seems like these guys might be the best bet to do that..."
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Trax nodded slightly when Kesh spoke her reasons for why she'd want to join.
"There will be pockets of resistance all over the place, but from what Karvis command seemed to think, these guys are, or will be, pretty central to the fight over all.
Alright, next part of the equation. What reason or reasons would you have not to join?"
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She felt a bit....put off...by his response. Like those things didn't matter or weren't really that bad.
She had felt like she kind of had left herself vulernable and the response she got was not what she expected. She wasn't sure what she had expected, though.
She tried to put that aside and answer Trax's next question.
"Well," she she said,
"There's the whole having to listen to other people thing. I mean, I'm not necessarily very good at that. And if I join them and I don't listen...I don't know...like, they're military right? There's some pretty serious consequences to that.
"And there's the whole people in uniform thing. And soldier thing."
She shrugged again, shifting her position slightly.
"I....haven't exactly had the best experience with those types of people...."
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"Military doesn't necessarily mean the way the Imps do it. Sure there will always be a structure and you're expected to listen to anyone higher up on it than you are, but that doesn't mean you'll get shot if you voice your disagreement.
I do get the uniform thing though. I know it'll come as something of a shocker to you but I had more than my fair share of problems with the law in my younger days. Back then I very much saw anyone in uniform as something of an enemy. Obviously not the case anymore, with certain exceptions of course."
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"I didn't even --", she stopped.
Trax didn't want to hear about what she had been through. It was neither here nor there. It didn't matter anymore, right?
She mumbled under her breath something about it being them who had a problem with her and not the other way around.
"Trax, are these guys ok?", she asked.
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"They're definitely pulling out all the stops to make themselves look that way. And they've got the others convinced enough that they've signed up already. That's a lot of effort to try to recruit a handful of us if they aren't legit." Trax paused, his mind briefly looking back on memories of Mariah.
Like Mariah, Kesh was just a kid. She should be thinking about finding a quite place to try and have a normal life, not signing up to fight a war, especially what was in his mind, an unwinnable war.
"If you are looking to take a swing at the Imps, for some payback and to do what you can to keep them form doing the same to others, these guys are as good a place to start than any other."
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"So you'd support me going to Major Antilles right now and joining?"
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"Not really." the man began.
"I'd understand it, but I can't say I'd support it.
I would support you finding a nice quiet place to work on having a normal life. But I get the impression that option isn't really on the table is it?"
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"Why wouldn't you support it?", she asked, not answering his actual question.
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"I'll never understand what you've been through. I don't think anyone who hasn't been through it can, we can only imagine and even that doesn't come anywhere close to having to live it. You've more than earned the right to have a chance at a normal life.
If you join, sooner or later you'll end up in a position where the possibility of capture by Imperial troops is very real." Trax smiled a small, sad smile.
"And next time the blaster may not be on stun."
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She flinched backwards as if he had slapped her and she was quiet for a bit, memories flashing through her mind of the station, the imperials, the pistol she had held to her head fully expecting then and there to end her pain and suffering, and then her surprise and terror when she woke up realizing that she had failed.
She also remembered Trax there with her watching out for her, protecting her, even after she had tried to do something that he just did not believe in.
A swirl of emotions flashed through her mind - anger at him bringing that memory up, wondering if he was trying to scare her out of joining the rebellion with it; aching sadness as she realized that she still did not feel whole, that she still hadn't really found anything she considered worth living for; guilt at seeing Trax's sad smile - at hearing the sadness echoed in his voice; confusion - because there was truth to what he was saying and it brought up a whole different direction of thought about whether she should or shouldn't join the rebellion.
"I..."
She stopped. What did she want to say?
I can make sure it's set to kill?
I don't know what a normal life is?
I'm not sure I want to live a normal life?
I'm not sure I want to live at all still?
She froze, at a loss for words. She didn't feel like she could say any of those things to Trax. She wasn't sure which one she was actually feeling.
Finally she just shrugged. "I didn't do so well with avoiding imperial troops before this either...", she commented. But it was an act, and through her voice it would be clear that there was a lot more going on inside of her head that she didn't voice.
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From Kesh's reaction Trax's words had bit a little deeper than intended. Still, they had accomplished what he'd wanted them to, to think about the risks of joining. She knew better than most the cruelty of the Empire
"I'm sorry Kesh, I know that was a bit of a cheap shot.
I just want you to be sure of what you're getting into and all the risks involved. And if it does happen, I'd like to have some degree of certainty that you'll still be alive when I come for you."
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She relaxed a bit in her body language, but it was clear watching the expression on her face that she was still semi-lost in thought.
His last statement seemed to jar her out of it, though.
"Wh-when you come for me?" she asked, clearly a bit confused by the statement
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"Well yeah," Trax began, sounding a little confused by Kesh's question. Of course he'd come for her.
"You think I'd let what ever idiots got you caught in the first place plan and execute your rescue operation?"
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She looked down at the ground again picking at more grass, her face turning a bit red.
"I'm not worth that", she mumbled more to herself than to Trax.
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"Thing is, you don't get to decide if you're worth it or not." Trax replied to Kesh's mumbling.
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She looked up at him, shaking her head, a bit of anger seeping into her voice. Or maybe it was just frustration. And maybe a bit of hurt. It was difficult to tell.
"Trax you have people you care about; people you love. You can't save everyone..."
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"I have no intentions of saving everyone, just a select few." Trax said in his matter of fact way.
"Which of course would be much easier if those select few would make a little more effort to stay out of harm's way." he continued in a much lighter, even slightly humorous tone.
"But in the end, it's your decision, and even if I don't support it I'll accept it. And do what I can, when I can to help if you need it."
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"Trax," she said, her voice taking on a rather sarcastic (and possibly...playful? tone?) There was certainly a mischievous twinkle in her eyes.
"I've NEVER stayed out of harms way, in case you have forgotten that..."