Musings during the drive

[Keshani]

As she drove through kilometer after kilometer of rolling hills Kesh felt herself start to relax. There was something about driving, alone in a vehicle, that tended to cause Beings’ minds to wander…..

And so it was with the teenager now.

She was sitting in the driver’s seat of the speeder, Rayleigh was sitting next to her. She was laughing, the wind blowing her hair back behind her, the windows down, adrenaline rushing through her body as they raced to escape the Constables….

She had been 13, and didn’t know exactly what she was doing when she had jumped in behind the wheel. It always looked so easy when she watched other people do it!!

They had bumped into a couple of other vehicles, and a couple of walls, and a couple of poles and street signs before she had mastered the controls and the pedals, finally getting the hang of keeping the speed smooth and the motion in the general direction that they wanted - which was any direction that the screaming sirens behind them were NOT.

It had been a dare between the two of them; something to pass the time; something to give them a bit of excitement.

Rayleigh had thought that Kesh would chicken out. Apparently he hadn’t known her all that well….

Breaking into the vehicle hadn’t been all that much of a challenge; actually had been a bit of a disappointment in how easy it had been. But driving it was another story altogether. First of all, she had been a bit short and could barely see over the dashboard to see where she was going. Second of all, she couldn’t reach the controls very easily (short people problems in the world of a 13 year old…)

Rayleigh kept trying to help but it was actually doing the opposite….

She didn’t remember all of the exact details of that trip. But she could remember the adrenaline rush and the extreme feeling of…..freedom as they flew down the streets, feeling almost unstoppable; invincible.

They had been racing along, but there had been a really sharp turn and the speeder couldn’t quite keep up with her reflexes (teenagers NEVER thought it was their OWN fault, afterall) and she had lost control down a really steep hill which met up with a really deep and large lake.

She remembered as she told Rayleigh that they would need to bail. She remembered the look of shock and fear on Rayleigh’s face. Kind of one of those ‘I’m gonna sh*t myself” looks.

She remembered feeling a moment of justice since this was all Rayleigh’s fault in the first place for daring her to steal the speeder.

Then they had jumped. And the speeder had kept going, crashing into the water beyond.

She had tucked and rolled and landed with a whole new assortment of bruises but no broken bones. Rayleigh had made it mostly intact as well.

Again, that feeling of extreme adrenaline. It was like nothing she had ever felt before.

She had shouted in exhilaration. Then her senses came back about her and they had run off, escaping from the Constables on foot.

Kesh smiled, thinking back.

She wouldn’t call the times she was thinking of “good” times, but it was a few years after her stay at the Caring Heart and she had recovered a bit from that whole ordeal - enough that she was able to interact with others a bit again. She wouldn’t call Rayleigh a friend. She had promised herself that she would never ever let anyone get that close to her. But he was….an acquaintance. One who she had passed the time with --

[Keshani]

She stopped there, almost midthought, and her attention was pulled momentarily back to the landscape whizzing by on all sides.

Never let anyone get that close to her…..

She let out an audible breath.

What am I doing?, she thought to herself, fighting back the urge to actually cover her face with her hands in alarm.

Trax

Why?

She actually stopped the truck for a minute, stunned and breathing like she had just been slapped in the face or punched, and took a few moments to catch her breath.

She had not only allowed Trax to get close to her, she had practically pushed him into doing so.

What am I doing???

She practically screamed.

What was she doing here, with the Rebels, putting her “neck on the line” so to speak to help these people?? - where she had to trust other people and they were trusting her?

They were counting on her, and if she didn’t live up to those expectations she could cause people to be killed!

She breathed more quickly, feeling a panic attack fighting to take hold.

But then her mind flashed back to a different image…

Time had become nearly meaningless - shift after shift of tedious, monotonous labor, and always in the presence of the Overseer who had promised to make her life a special kind of Living Hell. He watched her constantly, never ceasing to miss an opportunity to beat her or neuralize her, sometimes for no reason at all. It was quickly becoming intolerable and the girl's thoughts turned more and more often to ANY way possible that she could end this. But of course the Overseer made sure that didn't happen either.

Then, something happened that broke the monotony. Alarms sounded. There was a security breach several sections away. That was odd in itself, but the security alert quickly expanded to neighbouring sections and increased in severity. Now it was a class 5 breach, five whole sections of the station were on lockdown, and all active and off-duty security personnel had been ordered to their duty posts.

The images flashed through her mind like it had been yesterday. She remembered the stormtroopers and how they had suddenly taken up defensive positions.  She remembered the sound of the blaster fire and the smell of sweat and fear from the overseer. And, she remembered holding the spool of power cable in her hands, her heart pounding, her promise to herself that this would be it - she would either be free or she would make sure she died trying…

There had been nothing left. She had been almost begging to die. There had been no hope, no anything.

And then they had appeared - the group of them. The Jedi, Collan, Niil, Nim, and Trax.

And they had worked to protect her not one, but many times, sometimes putting her life ahead of those of themselves, especially when it came to Trax.

"I don't know what you've been through but it's not over yet.  You've got to believe me on that."

She closed her eyes as the words came back to her - the words that Trax had said to her as they both sat in the prison cells, after she had tried, once more, to kill herself, to end things; to end the pain. She could almost hear his voice in her head.

And silently tears started streaming down her face. She didn’t even really know why.
Emotions were stupid sometimes. And frell if she could explain them.

But she missed him. She missed Maris, too. And she wished that she had had the chance to give Nim the time that Trax promised was all she needed.

Caring about others got you killed. Allowing others to care about YOU got THEM killed. Neither was acceptable.

She had lived by that tenant and others like it her whole life. She had swore by them. They were her protection, her sanity.

“Aw frak”, she cursed to herself. “To hell with it.”

If caring about others put you at more at a risk for being killed, she felt she was finally ready to try to take that risk again…..

[Keshani]

She had started driving again and was back to admiring the scenery as she drove, in solitude, toward the Trading Depot.

As she drove, another snippet of a conversation came to her mind; one that she still wasn’t completely done processing.

“That's just it," Trax had told her, what felt like so long ago,

"Accepting yourself for who you are isn't about what it does for anyone else, it's what it does for you.  And one of the things it will do is end the idea that you have to measure yourself against anyone else."

It had been a tough thing to try to grasp at the time, to realize what he meant. She still wasn’t completely sure.

Parts of it made sense and weren’t so weird. Hadn’t she really spent her whole life doing whatever she wanted and ignoring what others expected her to do? She had ignored the laws and done and taken what she wanted. Wasn’t that doing things for herself and not for others? Wasn’t that not measuring herself against others? She didn’t need to measure herself against others; she was better than the others.

Only that felt wrong.

Had she really done the things that she did just because she wanted to? Or had at least some of it really been to prove to others that in some way she was better than them - that she was above them, her skills more refined and that she could best them. And by doing that wasn’t she using them as a measure, afterall? Something to compare herself against - to beat herself up over if she wasn’t better than some invisible and possibly unobtainable meter stick of measure?

Look at me, the little street urchin. Match me against your fancy education and I will still come out on top.

“And one of the things it will do is end the idea that you have to measure yourself against anyone else."

No, he had been right. Whether she realized it or not at the time, that was exactly what she had spent her life doing - trying to constantly prove herself, to show that she wasn’t a reject; a dud; a waste of space. And she had never been able to develop confidence because she had never seen that acceptance, those accolades, of those around her; she had never earned the respect that she had sought so desperately from others.

So was she here now to prove something to “them”, to others? Or was she here for her?

Her thoughts flashed back to the statue she had seen on Alderaan; the statue that had caused her to decide to do this in the first place.

She thought about all the Wookies and others on the Prison Planet and the Slave Station who had been killed, tortured or worse.

So that others may live in peace….

So now she was here. Mixed in with those with fancy educations and raised on wealth. And she was here as an equal, a peer, regardless of her background or her age.

And it still kind of struck her, when she thought about it, that Danny had trusted her to do this on her own. That Danny recognized the skill that she had to take care of this. For the Rebellion.

Water was a necessity; something that the base couldn’t do without. Danny had said if they couldn’t find a reliable water source that they would have to pick up and move, setting the schedule back by weeks, if not months. It would be a HUGE deal for the Rebellion. Yet here she was, entrusted to do this alone. No adults, no nothing. Just her.

They really are crazy!, she thought to herself.

But then another thought struck her.

“Frell,” she muttered to herself, “They think somehow *I’m* an adult. They’re even crazier!!”

When she had pledged to join the Rebels they had taken her through a whole procedure. They had made her swear allegiance and promise on her life that she would never turn traitor.

At the time she really hadn’t thought much about it. Why would she have a reason to go help the Imps? She hated them in any and every way possible. But she was only a kid. They couldn’t possibly expect her to act, well, responsible.

Only, they had.

And, it turned out, she wasn’t half bad at it.

[Keshani]

She thought about the various….adventures she had been on since coming here, both intentional and unintentional.

She thought about Trax again, and the conversation they had had right as she was leaving.

"Stay out of trouble!" he had said.

She couldn’t help but crack a smile at that.

“Right.”, she muttered to herself. “If only he knew…”

She laughed lightly.

She could only imagine his reaction if some day she told him everything that had gone on since coming here to this base.  She imagined, now, writing him a letter, explaining everything that had happened, everything that she had seen and had done.

She remembered another part of their conversation before she headed out, when she had told him of her decision, told him how much she felt that she needed to join the Rebels.

“Then it's a good thing that's what you're doing.  You seem to have spent most of your life doing what you had to do or were forced to.  I'm happy you're getting the chance to do what you want to.

I'm also happy that they're sending you into what should be a non-combat situation."


She grinned again to herself.

For a “non-combat” situation, she sure had managed to find herself enough trouble so far….

She shifted her position in the driver’s seat, checking her coordinates against the nav map before allowing her attention to drift off again.

[Keshani]

Dear Trax,

She made a face. Somehow Trax didn’t seem much like the “Dear” type.

Yo,, she imagined starting again.

She imagined Trax’s expression if she ever walked up to him and just said “Yo”. Probably something rather smart-assy.

She sighed.

It didn’t really matter how she began since this was all imaginary, anyway. She couldn’t actually send a letter to anyone; communications were secure and they couldn’t send anything off the Base. Really, she couldn’t even put anything in writing. If she put half of what happened in writing and someone else read it, well, if the Rebels found it laying around she doubted they would be very happy. Words like “treason” and stuff came to mind. If someone other than the Rebels found it laying around, well, there seemed to be two groups of people out there - those who worked directly for the Imps, and those who were running scared and would do anything in their power to try to stay in the Empire’s good graces so as to not be the next target themselves.

She shrugged. Forget the header.

But then again…..

Since he wouldn’t ever read what she was imagining in her head….

She smiled again, this time a bit mischievous.

“Dear Butt-head”,

It didn’t really fit him - neither the way she saw him or the way that she had ever interacted with him. But she was still kinda miffed at him for deserting her, for leaving her behind, despite his good intentions. So “butt-head” it would be.

Well, we made it to the new base, but they kinda forgot to tell us that we were missing something - the base. We literally are building this thing from scratch, and it’s been interesting.
The first day Danny sent me out with a team even before I had time to sit down (which was okay, since there really wasn’t anywhere other than bare ground to sit) to set up a sensor grid.

Trax, she sent ME out!! She expected me to be in charge!”

She stopped there, keeping an eye on the landscape whizzing by.

There had never been any question from Danny or the others about IF she could go take a team and set up a sensor net. Just instructions to do so; to be the leader; to get the job done.

"Accepting yourself for who you are isn't about what it does for anyone else, it's what it does for you.  And one of the things it will do is end the idea that you have to measure yourself against anyone else."

But maybe allowing others to challenge you, to help you to raise your own measure of yourself, was an important part of the process of being able to learn to accept yourself for who you are. Because without taking into account how others saw you, maybe you would be perfectly happy setting the bar way lower than what you could actually accomplish? Of not ever challenging yourself to grow.

But then again, if you were happy not growing…..

Her brain hurt. She decided to drop that train of thought for now.

Holler, one of the Spec Forces here, volunteered to go with me with his team. So we set out, but things got kinda crazy pretty quickly. This native big lizardy-thing called a Vorritor came out of nowhere and attacked us. We didn’t know why at the time. It dragged Kicker off - he is one of the Specs -- and the rest of the team went after him.

[Keshani]

But then some sort of gas type thing got thrown at us and all of the Specs went down. I was wearing a helmet so I guess that’s why I was okay. But then this HUGE HUGE HUGE Being found me and picked me up and then another Vorritor came and they made me walk with them to their village.

She imagined Trax’s reaction if she did ever have the opportunity to tell him this. She imagined him starting to fume slightly. She would giggle a bit at his reaction (since she was safe now so things seemed a bit more funny after the fact) but then add:

They didn’t hurt me so it was okay. But then when we got to the village, she stopped, and shivered, thinking back. The feeling of being trapped still felt real.

They locked me in a cage in the village.

As she thought about this she felt the adrenaline pulse through her body again - her body’s response to the memory; the fight response kicking in since the flight response to danger had been taken away.

The most frustrating thing was that I couldn’t talk to them. At least on the Station and Hell World I knew what they wanted. Here I had no idea what was going on or why just I had been captured.

She thought back to the last time she had been captured and put into a cell - that time on the Station when she had tried to kill herself. And then after that when Trax had tried to protect her - to intentionally take the pain himself to distract/redirect the guards’ attention so that they wouldn’t hurt her.

That memory still filled her with a huge amount of guilt but also something else. Trax had seen her at her worst. She had done something that he didn’t believe in, that he could not ever accept as an option. Yet he had still fought to protect her; to sacrifice his own safety to do so….

She missed him.

She chewed her lip a bit as she drove for a few moments.

“Relationships, they take time.  Do some people gravitate to each other, absolutely.  But it takes time to get to know each other.

Give it time, you'll find what you're looking for." 

Trax’s words. She thought back to the memory of when she had gone through his stuff. She had told herself at the time that it had been to try to find out more about him, which was true. But she also hadn’t actually cared that she had gotten caught. She had kinda wanted to poke at him to see what his reaction would be. Any attention was better than no attention, right?

But they had had a pretty good conversation after that. Only, it had ended kinda weird and sad.

Mariah.

She had asked about who she was and why she had meant so much. The response had been…..profound.

The strangest thing? She had felt a little bit...jealous….of the other girl. She was dead, but Kesh was still jealous. Because she had been to someone what Kesh had always wished she could be.

“Why the frell do I care about any of this??!!!”, she thought to herself, gripping the steering column tightly in a white-knuckle grip before she realized what she was doing and forced herself to take a breath and relax before she broke the stupid thing. She stared out at the landscape around her as she drove in silence for a few minutes. She thought about Before. Before she had been arrested and sent away. Before the Hell World and the Station.

For once she let herself think back to her time on the streets - to working in the little shop and learning how to fix things; to the little Korena cub that had saved her after That Night in the warehouse with the Man; to how much it had hurt her when the Korena cub had been killed, and to her trying to take her own life afterward. Her hands trembled at the memories and her stomach started to churn a bit.

You always cared., a voice inside her head whispered.

You cared so much that when the last Being that you thought cared about you was killed you wanted to end your life as well

Tears fought their way into her eyes at that thought, and she bit down on her lip hard to drive them away.

Shut up, she told the voice in her head. I know.

[Keshani]

-----------------------------
She drove on for a while staring out at the landscape around her, her mood dark and bitter. It was like there was this divide within her - the part of her who genuinely wanted to be the no-nonsense street girl who didn’t care about anything and could do whatever she wanted; be stronger and better than anyone around her; someone who didn’t feel pain and didn’t get hurt.

But then there was her other self who was the exact polar opposite.

It was like a cepa fruit that had about 10 layers to it. Some were hard to protect it, some were soft and squishy. But which layer was the “real” fruit? At what point did you stop and say “I’ve gotten to the actual real part? They all tasted different if you ate them separately - some were more bitter, some more sweet. But people just bit into the fruit and ate them all together. So which one was “real”? Or was it the combination of them that made up the “real” fruit and any one of them separated out was just out of place?

She let out a sigh. She thought about Trax again and what he had said about accepting herself for who she was.

Maybe she was like the cepa fruit. Maybe all of her layers were “real”. What she needed to do was learn how to balance them all together - to blend them together to make up one “Keshani”, just like when someone ate the cepa fruit you got a specific blended taste that you could only get with the whole fruit together. And maybe part of that was also accepting that sometimes different parts of her would come out. Maybe she just needed to learn to just be okay with that, to not fight it. To let her be her. To accept herself for who she was, like Trax had said.

Her thoughts drifted back to Trax and the “letter” she had started in her head.

She thought about where she had stopped - locked up in the cage in the Native people’s village. But then her mind flashed to what had happened next - to the baby that had been brought to her, and the sadness and…..despair….that seemed to pervade the camp. So many of them were sick and dying and they had no idea why or what to do about it.  She started up her imaginary letter to Trax again.

But ya know, she started, things didn’t turn out bad. I actually got to help them! You see, they were being poisoned by radiation and heavy metal toxins from the droid factory up the hill. I’ll get back to that later. But they didn’t know what was happening. They just knew that everyone was getting sick and dying. It was pretty awful to see.

She wondered how Trax would feel about that. He was pretty cepa fruity as well with all sorts of layers, most of which she did not yet understand. On the outside he acted all cold and kinda heartless. He had killed the Imps on the station without a second thought. But that same “cold and heartless” man had watched out for her safety on a gazillion occasions by this point and had obviously cared for the girl Mariah as well. He also cared about Nim quite obviously and seemed to really care about his own set of morales. That didn’t seem to fit with the “cold and heartless” thing.

So if he had been faced with a village of “primitives” who were getting sick from something that perhaps he could stop but would cause him to put himself at risk? Would he take that risk?

These people had just captured her and taken her someplace against her will. On that note he would have wanted nothing to do with them at best. Not in a good way, anyway. BUT. There were also sick kids. And the Beings hadn’t actually done anything to hurt her. So she decided in her mind that maybe he would grumble a bit, but that he would help to heal these people if he could. Kinda like Holler. He wasn’t exactly thrilled about it, but he still helped.

[Keshani]

So anyway, she continued her “letter”, I had lost most of my gear when the big female Being captured me, but I still had some medpacks so I used one on this baby that they brought me who was sick with boils all over it.

Her mind flashed back again to the cage and she could almost imagine the medpack in her hand and the feeling of fear as she worked - fear that maybe she couldn’t do anything to help this baby, and then absolute relief and….elation….as she saw the baby take a slow breath and its color almost instantly turn better. She smiled remembering that feeling. It felt…...right…..to help save others who were sick. Maybe medicine was something she would think about exploring sometime when she had the time. Maybe she could help others….

The medpack worked, but it also told me that the baby had been poisoned by some sort of toxin. When they gave me water later and I scanned it I realized the toxin was coming from the water. So after it got dark I broke out of the cage and followed the water source to see what was putting all of these toxins in it. It seemed like they had to be coming from some sort of heavy metal manufacturing type thing and that might be important for the Rebels to know about? Afterall, there wasn’t supposed to be anyone else on this part of the planet...

Plus, she thought to herself, she had really wanted to help these people. Again, she wasn’t sure quite how Trax would feel about that. Instead of escaping and just trying to get back to Base right away she had intentionally actually gone kinda in the opposite direction. Would he get mad at her for being reckless?

She could have tried to find her way back to the Base and then told someone and had Holler or someone else come out to investigate. But what if they hadn’t been willing to do that? What if they hadn’t thought it important enough to do?

The Base was taking pretty much everyone who was there to get the work done. Would they really want to send out another team that could be used for other “more important” things?

Better to ask forgiveness than permission….

Besides, she thought to herself, at least she hadn’t been bored….

[Keshani]

So anyway, she continued her “letter”, I followed the water up and found this pipe that seemed like it was sticking out of the ground. But duh...pipes don’t just stick out of the ground without anything attached to them….so I walked around for a while and finally found a metal grate that looked like it went into the same place as the pipes.

She could imagine Trax groaning a bit at this part, anticipating what she did next. She also could imagine him strongly contemplating getting a pair of stun-cuffs or rope and securing her to something so she couldn’t go off wandering by herself anymore. Although, he also knew (at least a small bit of it) how she felt about being restrained, so maybe that idea wouldn’t cross through his head afterall, or at least not stay for very long. But he definitely would want to keep her from going off on any more solo adventures….

So the next thing I did was pretty stupid. I’ll admit that. But there was no ladder or anything and I had to get down so I could see what this place was, so I just kinda jumped. Only, the landing didn’t work out like I had planned and then this film canister helped cushion my fall but then the grating I fell on was really wobbly and there was this fan whizzing right below me…. she smiled a bit. It was okay to smile NOW, looking back at it. At the time it had been down right terrifying.

I got off the grate carefully without killing myself and all and ended up in this manufacturing plant. I mean, it was locked and all, but who really locks things with such simple locks if they don’t want people to go in?

Well, the place was falling apart. Literally. I don’t think anyone has been there for a really really long time. It looked like it was set up to make Clone Wars era droids. I guess everyone forgot about it but it was still running.

She made a face. She still hated droids. No sentient being would keep running after like fifty years just constantly recycling the same products that had been made just to make more. Not to mention the droids in this facility had tried to shoot at her and kill her...That didn’t exactly help her to like them more.

But once I saw what it was making I just had to go look more. I mean, what if we could have used those droids for something? It was the thing that made sense to do, right?

She could imagine Trax just looking at her, trying to keep his face blank like he always did. But inside she could just imagine him thinking of murdering her himself for being so stupid and reckless.

You can’t be too mad at me. It’s not like you would have done anything different. Besides - you spent all that time helping me to learn how to shoot better...You knew those skills would be used for something. Besides! I got out of it okay so it’s all good, right? Somehow she didn’t think that response would placate the bounty hunter.

So anyway, she went on, I was looking around when this droid came up to me. It still thought the Clone Wars were going on or something. But I conned it into thinking I was supposed to be there and it worked and I thought everything was okay. Except it turns out that it was just bringing me to its boss-droid...THAT one wasn’t so easy to bluff.

So um. Long story short, the control center got quite a few more holes in it and a lot more scattered droid parts. AND I got some practice using a bolt gun as a makeshift blaster pistol..they don’t really work very well for that, in case you were curious. And who puts power buttons on droids underneath their arm where no one can get to them?[/i]

She could imagine Trax just staring at her at this point, probably at a loss for words.

But clubbing droids across their chest gives a strange feeling of satisfaction, she added, imagining Trax beginning to struggle with keeping his expression blank by this point.

She giggled. It was easy to giggle now that it was over. But she remembered her feeling of absolute terror while it was happening.

Anyway. Once the droids were dead I got to look at the control panels and found that the heavy metal toxins that were killing the villagers were coming from here, but that the power reactor was also leaking and would start to release radiation into the water soon, too. So I had to go and fix that too….I rigged up some of the droids to go with me, though, which was good because there were these like assassin droids that were hard core military grade shooting at us as we made our way to the reactor. But my droids protected us and it was all good.

Oh! And when I got to the reactor I had to repair the leaky power core part. BUT. You’ll be proud of the fact that I decided against just rigging a shield up and going in myself to try to fix it. I decided that would maybe be bad in case the shield failed. So I used a droid instead. See? I was being safe! AND, this is maybe like the ONE time in my life that a droid has actually been useful. Well. The droid I rigged after that to help me get out safely was useful too, and the ones getting to the power cores…. but normally I HATE droids.

And THEN to get back to Base after that I rigged this pretty sweet swoop bike thing. It was really ugly and offensive to look at. But it was BEAUTIFUL at the same time. It was awful to try to drive but it was super fun too.

The grin on her face spread wider as she thought back to the adrenaline rush as she fought to drive the thing back to Base. It had certainly been an….adventure.

BUT…..all in all I made it back completely safe. So see? I did stay out of trouble.

[Keshani]

She grinned again at that. Well. Maybe not completely out of trouble. But no permanent damage, at any rate...Maybe you just need to get your butt back here so that you can keep me from having any other adventures on my own.

She thought about that. She wondered if she actually COULD tell him about the things that she was doing here if he WOULD try to get to her.

But he had his own thing with the crime boss and he had Nim. She doubted she would rank more important than those two things.

She let out a breath. No, maybe it was better that he didn’t know what she was doing here - that he could keep thinking that she was nice and safe in a “non-combat” position helping to build things and do other techie stuff.

She looked back out at the landscape around her and sighed.

The really cool thing was convincing Danny to let me take a team back to the Natives once I got back to try to treat them. Holler and his team went with me again as well as some medics.

I guess my time on the Hell World actually helped me with that part. Being around wookies so long I couldn’t talk to them, either. At least not using words. But we got along. I kinda had to use some of those same skills with the Natives. Silver lining and all I guess...

Holler put me in total charge of the mission. Honesty set to on, that was a bit…..overwhelming. Trax, I’ve never been in charge of ANYONE before, and this was the second time I was put in charge of a whole team of Specs and this time a couple of medics, as well. These Rebels really are serious about giving people responsibility. But I was so scared that I would get everyone hurt or worse...like last time.

The by now familiar feeling of guilt thinking about others getting hurt in order to protect her came back to her, causing her stomach to churn a bit, but she pushed it away.

[Keshani]

We got back to the village and Holler and another Spec came with me and the medics. The villagers didn’t seem very happy at first and one of them rushed at me. Holler was kinda freaking out but I ignored him

She giggled again lightly, remembering Holler’s comments after the male native had run past her after looking like he was going to attack.

"Dammit Snaps, you're aging me by the minute here..."

As she drove she took a slow breath in thinking about Holler. He probably would NOT be very happy when he learned that Kesh had gone off on her own to the Trading Depot. Speaking of aging him by the minute. But she was so tired of putting others at risk for her. There had been way too much of that lately. If they wanted her to be an adult then she needed to act like it. This was something she NEEDED to do on her own.

But Trax, I knew it was okay. At least I hoped, she thought to herself. No, she wouldn’t tell Trax that part. Her thoughts flashed back to the Imps on the Station and the argument that had taken place between Trax and the others. There was no doubt in her mind of what he would have done to the charging native if he had been there. No, it was definitely better that Trax didn’t know about that part.

It was like bullies on the street. The guy was postering, trying to intimidate me and make me back down. But you can’t back down from bullies. You know that. So I didn’t. I just stood my ground and waited as he rushed at me. And then he just kept running!

I think that was some kind of test or something, because after that the big female native that had captured me before - I think she’s their leader - put this thing around my neck and gave me a stick made of bone and then they let us help them.

Looking back on it now she could see how someone looking at the situation would think she had been reckless and stupid. She imagined Trax would be mad at her for taking that kind of risk. But apparently it took a lot to get the bounty hunter mad. She wondered if he would be mad at Holler for “letting” her take the risk. She hoped not, but had a feeling he would. But maybe that was just flattering herself. Holler didn’t really have a choice. Not really. If he had told his guys to go in and protect her then he would risk ruining the whole thing. He chose to trust Kesh instead. That trust had meant a lot. She hoped that if Trax ever did hear about what happened he would see that, too. And if the native had hurt her in any way, Holler and his guys would have been there in an instant. They would have given their lives to protect her. She knew that. She didn’t like it, but she knew that it was a fact. Which was another reason why she hadn’t wanted them to come with her on this trip she was on now. It may be their job to protect their “charges”, whoever that may be, but it didn’t mean she had to like having other people constantly risk their lives for her.

[Keshani]

Maybe she would ask Holler to give her some more self defense training when she got back. The more she could defend herself the more others maybe wouldn’t have to…

Anyway, she continued, going back to her “letter”, It was really...I don’t even know the word for it. Neat? Cool? Special? Awe-some? Deep? It was really...something….being able to help all those people. There were a few dicey moments when the medics tried to take blood samples so that the Rebels could learn more about the Natives. They didn’t like that. But we got it sorted out and we got them all helped. I don’t know. Part of me assumes that without me someone else would have figured out how to help the Natives; that I didn’t really matter. But maybe that’s not true. Maybe I did help do something special.

She shrugged to herself.

I guess that’s about all that’s happened so far. Right now I’m off to a Trading Depot to try to get some irrigation equipment so that we can have water at the Base. I still can’t believe Danny is trusting me to be in charge of this.

I know you said that it matters more that I am comfortable with myself than trying to do what others want.

But there’s also something that feels good about others trusting me. Street kids aren’t really trusted to do anything, ya know? Mostly people don’t trust you because they assume you’re up to no good. But here...people look at me different. They just expect me to get things done that I’m asked to do. It’s both really neat that they trust me and really really scary at the same time.

Trax, I don’t want to screw up here.

You said that we would see each other again at some point. I really hope that’s true. I wish I could tell you some of this in person.

Maybe not all of it, she thought to herself, but at least some of it.

Something beeped at her from the dashboard of the speeder, bringing her out of her reverie. It wasn’t anything important, but attention was again brought back to the rolling hills around her.
The feeling of solitude that was before her now - alone in a world of peace and tranquility that was welcome after such a fast-paced few weeks. It was like fighting her way through huge whitewater rapids, suddenly to find an area of water smooth as glass.

She knew she hadn’t sorted everything out yet that was going through her head. She knew she still had a long way to go before she could understand who she was to even begin to accept herself and be comfortable with the person she was growing to be.

But she would get there, eventually.