Lost

[GM Craig]

"And we all deal with it in our own way. Look, you've been making your way in the world all alone for a long time now. I get that, more than I think you realize. But you need to grow some ladyballs, take back your life, and quick looking for validation from others."

She half turns toward you.

"You say you don't want anyone to take care of you, but that's all your asking from me and Trax isn't it? For us to look after you? You lived rough a long time - how did you ever get so dependent on other people? And when we can't, you get the sad eyes-puppy face, or go the 'everyone hates me' route. I can't..."

She stops and takes a breath, turning fully towards you. Her voice is artificially calm, like it is forced or an act of will.

"Keshani, I can't be what you want. I can't take care of you. I'll help you get on your feet, but after that you're going to have to figure out how to make a life of your own. You don't like the life the Viceroy and his wife are offering, find another one. I'll help get you started, but I'm not going to help you live it. That's got to be you. You can have friends. You can have help. But you need to be able to stand on your own as well, otherwise those close to you are just carrying you."

[Keshani]

It was like a figurative "slap in the face". And it hurt. But she was right.

As she stood there staring at the enigmatic female jedi, her face paling a bit as she stood there, lost in thought, she realized that what she was saying was right.

She had spent most of her life so far on her own. And that was the thing. She had spent her life alone out of necessity, not by choice. And that was the big difference. She had always craved someone to be close to; someone she could trust, and yes, maybe even someone who would take care of her. But she never had it. Every time she had trusted anyone they had left her alone in the end....

And now, after the ordeal she had been forced to go through on the Prison planet and the station, here were more people than she had ever met in her life who WANTED to help her, who DID care about her, seemingly with no agendas of their own.

And it felt nice. And a bit overpowering. And perhaps, no, from what she had just heard from Maris she should change that 'perhaps' to a she had, gone a bit overboard with relying on others.

It had just been such a nice change to not have to think for herself so much, to depend on others.

But it had been a mistake. An error on her part. Maris was right. It wasn't fair. She wanted to be treated like an adult and a kid at the same time and it was an oxymoron and a paradox. She had to choose one.

Finally she nodded to Maris, acknowledging what she had said. And she spoke.

"You're right, Maris, and I'm sorry."

She reached out to take the older woman's hand, but hesitated, not sure if she would accept the touch. Had she damaged any friendship that they potentially had?

So she just stood there, feeling awkward, unsure how to convey everything she had just felt to the jedi woman.

[GM Craig]

She stands there, looking to the side, arms crossed. She chews her lip.

"I didn't mean..."

She looks at you. "I was just..."

She closes her eyes and shakes her head.

"Look, I ..."

She takes a breath. "I see what you're doing. Everything is about you. You're manipulating people into reinforcing you as the centre of the galaxy. I get that. I did that too, for a long time. Telling people you think they hate you when there is no evidence; appearing helpless and vulnerable so people take pity on you; whatever. I get it. It is a survival technique, and it works. But it's not a way to make friends or lasting relationships. Eventually, the 'poor little orphan girl' routine wears thin, so if that's all you got, you're going to be left alone. If you want to have people around you, who legit care about you, you need to start thinking about them. For example, I just told you about how there's an entire branch of the Empire dedicated to hunting me down and killing me. And you responded with a big sigh, a flop on the floor, and an 'I'm bored.'"

She turns to go, but stops with a hand on the door frame. Her back is to you. "You want people to be friends, people to genuinely care about you? You need to start caring about them. Take what they offer, sure. But you need to give too. Of yourself. Of your time. Share with them, but let them share with you too, and let them know you hear them."

She looks back at you over her shoulder. "Think about that, hmm?"

Then the melts away. A moment later, you hear the main door to your suite open and close.

[Keshani]

At fit of rage rose up within the girl as Maris stood there, accusing her of being the most self-centered, selfish, scum of the galaxy. What right did she have? How dare she?

She almost exploded right then and there, the rage boiling up as all of her pent up frustration surfaced all at one time.

But before she could, the female jedi was gone.

And she was left there, standing by herself, her hands on her hips, fuming inwardly.

And there she stood smoldering for what felt like a very long time before she finally started to calm down, the anger slowly diffusing away to be replaced with tendrils of doubt.

WAS she being selfish? Was she trying to really that cold that she didn't care about anyone else? Was Maris right?

She walked back out into the main room and sat down on one of the way too soft chairs without even realizing it.

She hadn't ever had anyone else to care about before. You didn't waste energy on others while you were fighting to survive...was she really trying to appear helpless and vulnerable so people would take pity on her?

No, she thought to herself. You're wrong. I don't want people to take pity on me.

But maybe she was right about the needing to start caring about others, too. But caring about others DID leave you vulnerable. And it gave others the opportunity to rip big gaping holes in your heart. So she was really asking something much MORE than for her to care. She was asking her to trust. For, entrusting your 'soul' to another person was much more risky than entrusting your body to them. If someone failed your trust in your body you would be dead. If someone failed your trust in your soul.....

"I WANT to care about you. I WANT to let you share with me. But I need help learning how...", she whispered.

She knew Maris would hear her if she wanted to. If not, if she was that angry at her that she was gone, there wasn't anything else she was going to be able to do right now....