She sighed softly and it was clear that part of it was pure theatrics, but there was an undertone of something akin to seriousness in it as well.
Again she was quiet for several moments and the transport continued to mark time with its various bumps and creaks alone.
She wondered what direction she wanted to take the conversation. Or maybe more so what direction she should take the conversation.
It had somehow gotten easy for her, at least with this particular group, to forget that they were military sometimes and just think of them as.....friends......comrades.
And that realization, it itself, was a bit.....shocking....to her.
She thought back to her time on Alderaan, when just the sight of Major Antilles in his uniform had made her want to crawl out of her skin. It had brought with it so many memories from Hell World and the station and the overseers.
But now she was working with these guys pretty much every day. Hell, she, herself was now wearing a uniform of sorts of her own accord.
And it was just....surprising.....to suddenly realize that it was okay now; that she could laugh with these guys and feel.....safe; that she actually enjoyed their company and it seemed, at least, that they didn't mind hers so much either.
And that realization, as much as it made her feel a bit of warm-and-fuzziness inside, also sent a shock wave of fear through her gut as well.
She thought back to her solo drive to the trading depot and her decision that she had made to give up the walls she had fought so hard to build and preserve for so long, or at least relax the maintenance so that they could deteriorate and fall over time; the decision that if letting people in had the potential to cause her an immense amount of pain that maybe she was finally ready to take that risk.
Which then brought her thinking back to the current conversation and Holler's comments that even though he had lost companions he wouldn't give up the experience or the memories for anything.
She thought about asking him if he thought this fight was worth it; that anything would ever change.
But she had a feeling that that would sound empty; a stupid thing to ask someone who has dedicated his life to protecting others to continue a cause.
She didn't know what he had been through that prompted him to join up as soon as he was old enough. She certainly didn't know what was causing Grunt to not even look at her throughout this conversation.
But she knew the hatred for the Empire that slow-burned inside of her and realized what her response would be if someone asked her that. She enjoyed the...respect...that she had somehow earned with these guys too much to risk jeopardizing it by asking something so stupid.
"Ya know," she said finally, more thinking out loud than anything, maybe not even aware that she was actually talking out loud and not just conscious stream of thought thinking to herself,
"The overseers and guards with the Empire - they....took pleasure in other people's pain, in power and control and how much hurt they could cause.
"It was so just...all over and consistent that it almost seemed normal after a while."
She spoke slowly, lost in thought, staring out the window as she spoke.
"But you guys here are just as military, just as trained and just as professional but are so totally opposite of that."
Again she paused, a bit off in her own little world,
"I....didn't know that that was possible."
