Niil Spaar: Ch'lana

[GM Craig]

Impatience can make time flow slowly, so it is possible Niil feels the wait interminable. At any rate, eventually Niil seeks out Ch'lana. The old Jedi is unpacking a box of personal effects in one of the cabins on the ship. A quick glance around the room suggests this has been his bunk before. There are little nick-knacks and small objects that show the room has been inhabited.

As you knock on the door frame, Ch'lana turns to you. His gruff face turns soft, and he lowers his eyes a moment before raising them again to look into yours.

"I owe you an apology as well, for many things. My faults are too numerous to list, so let me just offer one blanket apology. I am sorry. I know you and that boy Collan meant well - mean well - but you are, I think, a little more worldly that he is. You're not likely to be blinded by glorious stories of the Jedi. So you need to know some things. I am not a good man, Niil. I have done things - made poor choices - and people around me die. I was trying to spare all of you that. My motives were good, but I lost control of my anger, and I am sorry."

[Niil Spaar]

Niil grinned, stepped forward, and offered Ch'lana his hand.  "Apology easily accepted, as you have mine for my piss-poor manners back on the prison ship.  We all have faults, Master Ch'lana; I'm hardly a Alderaanian rose in that regard.  And, I think, you sell yourself short.   You aren't a bad man.  Good people sometimes have bad things happen to them.  I don't say that as a sop to your pride, or to suck up to you; I mean that.  If you were truly bad and embraced that, I'd not have gone looking for you, much less insist on coming along with you."

Niil took a deep breath, and let it out.  "That being said, I humbly ask you to take me in as your student, and teach me the ways of the Force as well."

[GM Craig]

He raises an eyebrow. "You say bad things happen to good people and you are right. But such things leave scars, and you have scars, Niil. I should know, for I carry many of my own.

"To learn about the Force will require to you let go of the pain you carry. But that pain gives you strength. You use it to drive you. What would you do without that pain? Without the fear of the hunters? Collan is young yet, and for all the pain he carries, the scars do not run as deep. But you - you have had years to deepen your scars and nurture your anger and fear. Do you really think you can let that go - give up the source of your strength?"

[Niil Spaar]

Niil nodded without a thought.  "Yes, readily so.  I've acted out of fear and anger before, and I know damn well that's where my mistakes came from. One rather foolish one not too long ago, in fact, and one that put both me and Collan in danger.  Drawing strength from fear and anger?  That's a poor core to work with.  I'd be no better than the dark Jedi that were chasing us."

Niil smiled.  "And with all due respect, I don't think I needed the fear and anger to drive me, or to harden my resolve.  Even without that fear, I still would've resisted the Empire's predations and tyranny out of a sense of  . . . well, moral justice, for lack of a better term.  That's just the way I was raised."

[GM Craig]

"You have been an independent person a long time, Niil. It would be hard to let go of your independence. When there was a Jedi council even Collan would be considered too old to train, and you are older than he is. Would be willing or even able to let go of your will and become a tool for something greater than yourself? The Force is a difficult master, and once you give yourself over, it never releases you. The rest of your life will be filled with strife and labour. Even when you are old and tired, you will still be serving."

[Niil Spaar]

Independent?  Niil shook his head, but there was a smile there.  "I was raised in a household of pro-Republican diplomats, and my parents chose to serve others out of personal choice.  I was being groomed for the same, and that was my personal choice.  The only reason that Trax, Jex and I ran an independent strike team on Karvis III was that the resistance thought we were more effective that way.  Even then, we answered to the commanders and the royal family.  No, Master Ch'lana, I have no problem devoting my life to something far bigger than myself.  In doing so, I also serve myself."