Flashback Conversation (While in Transit)

[Trax]

"Alright." Trax started.

"First off, I've got my own problems to deal with.  And the longer I don't deal with them, the more likely they'll be to try and bite me when I'm not ready for them.

Next up is the whole authority and following orders stuff.  That doesn't work well for me.  I won't follow a plan I don't agree with, especially when it's coming from someone all high and mighty that's not willing to be in the trenches risking their own life to execute their own plan.  And when things start to go sideways in the field, I won't follow any order I don't believe in.  I also like the freedom to come and go as I please.  If I'm stuck in some ridiculous command structure I lose that."

Hearing the whine of repulsors Trax looked up to see an air speeder whip across the sky.

"I also don't believe in causes, especially when that cause expects you to put the cause ahead of the lives of individuals." he continued, turning back to Kesh.

"I prefer to, very selectively, put my belief in people, in individuals.  A cause can be twisted by a bad person or force a good person to do bad things."

Trax stopped there, purposely having left out one other reason, that he didn't think they could win.

"That's why I won't join."

[Keshani]

She listened quietly as he spoke.

In a way it was almost the most that he'd explained about his own thinking that she remembered for a while.

Usually he was pretty private and didn't want to talk about himself....

"But," she asked, when he finished,

"Nim said she would join didn't she? So what happens when she has to do all of these things?"

[Trax]

Trax let out a heavy sigh.  Kesh had expressed something he'd been struggling with since Kashyyk.

"I don't really know.

To say fighting the Empire is important to her is an understatement.

But if I did agree to join, that would mean we both have to accept that if letting the other die is the only way what ever mission we're on succeeds, then that's what we have to be willing to do.  And I would never accept that.  If Nim living means the mission will fail, then to hell with the mission.

On the other hand, I don't know if they'll be happy that I'm around if I'm not part of their structure.

Her joining also poses another problem for me.  Going to deal with my problems means leaving her to the mercy of whatever security flunky they assign to her.  Or, she decides to come with me which means I've forced her to give up on something that means a lot to her."

[Keshani]

"Wow," Kesh couldn't help but comment (Teenage prerogative to have no sense of grace or filter right?)

"I think this is the most that you've talked to me about yourself. Like ever."

It was as if she hadn't really even realized she had said those words out loud, and her face flushed red when she realized that she had spoken then and immediately gasped slightly.

"I'm so sorry! I didn't mean...."

She bit her lip, shifting away from Trax perhaps even subconsciously (maybe afraid he would retaliate against her comment in some way?)

"You must really love her...", she said softly

[Trax]

"I guess that means I've talked enough." Trax said with a wry smile responding to Kesh's first remark and ignoring her last one.

"Which means it's your turn.

To join or not to join, that is the question.  So tell me, what are the reasons you can think of for joining?"

[Keshani]

"Well," she started, relaxing her posture a bit after deciding that Trax wasn't going to retaliate at all due to what she had inadvently said,

But then she stalled out, not saying anything for a few moments. It was as if she was trying to gather her thoughts to turn them into something that was okay to say; that would express the feelings swirling around inside of her in a way that would make sense to someone outside of her own head.

"I hate the Imps.", she finally said lamely. But there was a hardness to her face - a bit of tightness to her eyes and a catch in her voice that expressed way more than the words that she said.

[Trax]

"That makes two of us." Trax agreed with Kesh's very short, direct reply.

He knew some of what the girl had been through, but mostly in very general terms.

"But hate is an emotion, not a reason.  I would say it's usually born out of a reason, or a number of reasons, but it's not a reason in of itself.

What would your reasons be for joining."

[Keshani]

She shrugged, looking a bit uncomfortable, but also a bit angry. The anger didn't seem to be directed at Trax.

"Trax, I slept on Hell World in a pile of dirt piled up with what felt like hundreds of other Beings trying to do the exact same thing, hoping to actually get a few hours of rest before someone showed up with a blaster pistol again. They shot people before my eyes for being so weak that they couldn't even stand in line to get the stuff they referred to as 'food'."

Her nose wrinkled a bit and her body tensed as clearly she was reliving the smells of charred flesh and sights she was describing as she spoke.

"I had to dig pits while being stood over by guards threatening me with various weapons or threats of what they would do to me if I stopped for no other reason other than that they found it entertaining. There was no purpose for the pits. They just..wanted us to dig them.

"The station? A little better, but not much."

She looked down at the ground in front of her and picked at a blade of grass.

"Danny rescued me from them torturing me because the overseer thought I was trouble," she continued softly, again, clearly reliving memories.

She was quiet for a few moments again before seemingly working to pull her attention away from her thoughts.

"I want to make them not be able to do that to other kids; other people. And, I guess to be honest I want to make them pay for what they did to me."

She shrugged.

"I guess it seems like these guys might be the best bet to do that..."

[Trax]

Trax nodded slightly when Kesh spoke her reasons for why she'd want to join.

"There will be pockets of resistance all over the place, but from what Karvis command seemed to think, these guys are, or will be, pretty central to the fight over all.

Alright, next part of the equation.  What reason or reasons would you have not to join?"

[Keshani]

She felt a bit....put off...by his response. Like those things didn't matter or weren't really that bad.

She had felt like she kind of had left herself vulernable and the response she got was not what she expected. She wasn't sure what she had expected, though.

She tried to put that aside and answer Trax's next question.

"Well," she she said,

"There's the whole having to listen to other people thing. I mean, I'm not necessarily very good at that. And if I join them and I don't listen...I don't know...like, they're military right? There's some pretty serious consequences to that.

"And there's the whole people in uniform thing. And soldier thing."

She shrugged again, shifting her position slightly.

"I....haven't exactly had the best experience with those types of people...."

[Trax]

"Military doesn't necessarily mean the way the Imps do it.  Sure there will always be a structure and you're expected to listen to anyone higher up on it than you are, but that doesn't mean you'll get shot if you voice your disagreement.

I do get the uniform thing though.  I know it'll come as something of a shocker to you but I had more than my fair share of problems with the law in my younger days.  Back then I very much saw anyone in uniform as something of an enemy.  Obviously not the case anymore, with certain exceptions of course."

[Keshani]

"I didn't even --", she stopped.

Trax didn't want to hear about what she had been through. It was neither here nor there. It didn't matter anymore, right?

She mumbled under her breath something about it being them who had a problem with her and not the other way around.

"Trax, are these guys ok?", she asked.

[Trax]

"They're definitely pulling out all the stops to make themselves look that way.  And they've got the others convinced enough that they've signed up already.  That's a lot of effort to try to recruit a handful of us if they aren't legit."  Trax paused, his mind briefly looking back on memories of Mariah.

Like Mariah, Kesh was just a kid.  She should be thinking about finding a quite place to try and have a normal life, not signing up to fight a war, especially what was in his mind, an unwinnable war.

"If you are looking to take a swing at the Imps, for some payback and to do what you can to keep them form doing the same to others, these guys are as good a place to start than any other."

[Keshani]

"So you'd support me going to Major Antilles right now and joining?"

[Trax]

"Not really." the man began.

"I'd understand it, but I can't say I'd support it.

I would support you finding a nice quiet place to work on having a normal life.  But I get the impression that option isn't really on the table is it?"