The hair on my forearm tickles my nose.. so I move it to my side.. my arm, that is.. not my nose. No longer sheilded from the light, my eyes show dancing images of light behind the lids. Grunting in frustration, I swing my arm wildly towards the dimmer switch on the wall, connecting with a definite "thwap" sound, turning the lights low until they are almost, but not quite out.
There.
Thats better.
At least it would be if this frelling pillow wasnt so lumpy and un weildly. What did Cali's people stuff these pillows with anyways.. rocks? I pummell the pillow, trying to force it into a shape that will cradle my head. By the time it is molded into a shape that pleases me, i can no longer find a spot on the fabric that is suitably cool to lay my cheek. Growling audibly, I fling the pillow across the room.. wincing as it knocks something off the table.. something that lands with a tinkle of broken glass. Ignoring the breakage, at least for now, I fling myself over so that I am laying on my belly, my head resting on my forearm. Knee up... knee back down. Feet under the coverlet.. feet out.. one foot in.. one foot out. When did this bed become so uncomfortable? How in the hell am I supposed to think about this quest of Cali's when I cant even get comfortable on my own rack. I bet the mattress would be more comfortable on the floor, instead of this frame. Leaping from the bed, I grab the mattress nearest the headboard and pull it until the mattress lands with a solid thud on the floor. Nodding in satisfaction, I fling myself down on top of it.. striking my head on the bed frame as I land.
A string of curses echoes off the walls of the room as I watch one, then two drops of blood land on the mattress. These two drops are quickly followed by more, the drops becoming a steady patter. Reaching around for something to staunch the flow, I find a cast off tshirt and press the crumpled ball of fabric to my head, just above the hairline. A scent wafts under my nose, eminating from the discarded shirt. Its Ari's scent... I'd know it anywhere. Snorting, I toss the blood dotted shirt across the room. Fine.. I'll bleed to death right here on my own bed. Its her fault anyways. If she were here when I got back from meeting with Cali, I could have talked the whole damn thing over with her. But she wasnt. So I couldnt. Rolling over on to my back, I stare up at the dim light. I can feel the rivulet of blood as it makes its way along my forehead to pool somewhere near my ear. It feels like a lot of blood, but I know that head injuries always bleed like hell. I can already feel the flow slowing.
With nothing left to do but think, my brain begins to process coherent thought again.
'Quite the dilemma, Dawson. You've really gotten your self into a nice one. No fuel tank to blow up.. no rebel cell to destroy.. no gun for hire to alienate.. Now what are you going to do? Go on this quest of Cali's? Find out that at the end of the journey all you are is a fraud...at least on the quest, the only one that could get hurt is yourself. You cant hurt anyone else. Mariah is safe.. Ari is gone.. or where ever she is, Kelso and the rebel cell.. all behind you now. You cant cause them anymore pain. Jeremy is probably dead.. Jon definitely is.'
Jon. Even now, his name makes my heart ache. I loved him in a way so different from how I feel about Ari. Two such different people, bringing out two very different sides of me. Unbidden, my mind brings back random memories.. Jon and I at the races.... I can still smell the exhaust.. The first time I tasted Rindu's special kavvy blend.. I lick my lips, as if I can almost taste its rich dark froth....The offer I once made to Jeremy... and the look of panic on his face.... the first time Ari kissed me.. and the first time I kissed her back. The look on Kelsos face when he realized who I was.. at least, who I had been. The look on Mariahs face when I pushed her from my life.. trying to keep her safe.. to keep at least one person alive... The sound of the fuel cell as it exploded in the desert, taking with it those innocent lives.... The smell of my daughter as she slept in my arms...
Would I change any of this, if a single change meant that everything after it was different? Would I do anything differently? Would I give all of this back.. Arienne, our hopes.. our dreams.. to go back and change one pivotal thing? If only I knew how far back I had to go.. which moment.. which decision. Maybe thats why we never discovered how to travel back in time. Because there is no way to know how one tiny little change will affect the things that come after it. I think I heard it referred to once as the Butterfly Effect.. something to do with an archaic theory about men travelling back in time to the prehistoric, and treading on a single butterfly.. and how that changed the universe as we know it today. I wonder which event is -my- butterfly.
I close my eyes again, knowing that sleep is evasive and will not come when looked for. All I can do now is think.. and try to find the right path. Or, if not the right one, at least the one that will do the least wrong. The quest, or the rebel mission. Either way, sounds like I will be facing my past. Something Cali said strikes a chord in my mind -'your fears and ghosts may kill you' ... not like they arent giving it a pretty good shot in the here and now, never mind on a quest. But more importantly, Cali said 'Understand yourself, completely, and nothing shall have power over you' and this is what troubles me most, I think. To understand myself.. to know my true self. What if I find that the honest me, the real me.. is a stranger to me?
