Dawson: Obligations

[GM Craig]

It is late afternoon before Ari returns.

She opens the door with a smile that quickly turns into a frown as her brow creases. She glances around, taking in the situation in a moment.

"What happened?" she asks with genuine concern. "Were you attacked?"

[Dawson]

Attacked?  That is an interesting word for her to use.. Attacked by my own consciousness perhaps.. but not in the way she means.  I shake my head, not moving from my prone position on top of the mattress on the floor.
"No, Ari.. you have nothing to worry about.  The security of your uncles estate has not been breached, and neither is there anyone in the staff that has done me violence.. at least, not yet.  Although, unless I clean up this mess, they may wish me injury." 
I roll over on to my belly, propping my chin in my hands.
"I couldnt get comfortable on my bed, so I decided to rearrange the furniture a little.."
I lift one hand and prod gingerly in my hair, where I can feel the crusted dried blood.  "Remind me to wear a helmet next time..."  Looking across the room at the broken glassware on the floor, I spot Ari's crumpled up shirt. "And I owe you a clean shirt.. "  I nod my head towards the blood spattered fabric lying among the bits and pieces of glass.
My tone gives nothing away.. but seeing Ari now sends my stomach into a downward spiral.  Knowing that I may chose to walk away from her, willingly.. to never see her again.. The thought literally sucks the air from my lungs.   And yet the thought that I may return to her, whole, and not haunted by the demons of my past.. gives me a glimmer of hope.  And yet there is still a part of me.. a small fragment.. that wonders if it is a false hope, based on something that isnt real at all.  The Ari that I want so desperately to believe in would tell me that it is only my ghosts, the darkness within me, that is forcing that thought into my head.  The Ari that lurks behind my eyes, taunting me for believing that any of this is real ,would be smiling smugly for having played so cruelly with my emotions.
Still on my stomach, I peer up at her for a moment or two.
When I begin to speak again, my voice is soft, almost a whisper.  My eyes never leave Ari's face.
"Your uncle has given me a choice, Ari.  I have two options at this time.. both, I think are equally challenging, altho for very different reasons. The first one involves the Rebels, and a task your uncle needs completed.. he has told me very little about it, only that it will involve people from my past, and that my usual methods will not serve me well.  The other one is more of a personal test.. an exploration of self, I guess you could say.  your uncle has suggested I consider a Vison Quest, as undertaken by your people."

[GM Craig]

Ari nods, and her face drains fo emotion.

"A grim option. Many who undertake the rite of vision do not return. Either they fall to the dangers of the northern desert, or they find themselves and do not return to their former life."

Then she sighs. "And I know what the Royalists are planning, and some of what Cali wishes from it. That will be a dangerous task, Dawson." She turns to you, with a strange intensity in her eyes. "Either choice may lead to death. Working with the rebels will certainly force you to face your demons. The rite of vision will help you find yourself. Both may end in death."

[Dawson]

Staring into Ari's face only leaves me with more questions, and bloody few answers.
Her words echo softly in my mind... "they find themselves and do not return to their former life"   I begin to see an answer taking shape.. but it is still vapourous, and hard for me to be sure of.  I tilt my head to one side, and watch her carefully as I ask...
"Ari.. are you afraid that if I take the vision quest.. that I will not return to you?  Is that what you think lies waiting for me out in the desert?  A path to a life without you?"

[GM Craig]

She smiles, warm and genuine, though you see her eyes brimming.

"No, dear Dawson. That you should find yourself and finally be free of your demons is my deepest wish. If that path takes you from me, but brings you peace, then I wish it for you very much."

She sighs and rubs her eyes. "I fear that either path will take you from this life, and leave your demons to haunt you. Either path is a desperate one, and I wish..." she stops herself, then shakes her head and continues.

"I wish my Uncle had not placed these paths before you. They are desperate actions that may free you, or may end your life. Either is a difficult choice."

[Dawson]

A difficult choice..Ari has always had the gift of understating the painfully obvious.  But in my heart of hearts, I know she is right.  Either one of these paths could prove to be deadly.  How easy it would be to remain here, sheltered, with the strength of Ari's protection to keep my demons at bay.  But that would leave a debt unpaid, and an obligation unfulfilled.  Niether of which are satisfactory options to me. 

I sit up slowly, wary of my barely healed head, not wanting to open it up again. 

"Ari.. I believe I have chosen.  I ... think.. "  I pause, my forehead wrinkled in painful concentration.  "I think that to take on the rebel quest would only endanger others if it should turn out that I cannot turn away from the anger and violence that threatens to spring from me at every turn.  People could be hurt.. people could die... "  -I- could die.. the  words hang unspoken in the air.

I nod, as if to satisfy myself. "Yes.  I -have- chosen.  I will take on the vision quest. But I will ask much of you, before I leave...."

[GM Craig]

Even after your time together, Ari is hard to read unless she makes the effort to show her emotions. But you get the feeling she is tense.

"What I may do, I shall, Dawson."

[Dawson]

A flicker of an eye, a line of muscle in her shoulder, a slight ... something... Not all at once, and certainly not all seen at once.  But enough to tell me that this decision is not sitting well with Arienne. 

I reach up and take her hand, pulling her down to sit beside me on the mattress.

"Talk to me, Ari... please.  Tell me all that I dont know about what you are thinking.. how you are feeling.  You are pulling away from me already, and yet here I sit.  "

[GM Craig]

"A vision quest is a private matter. I am trying to avoid influencing you. If I were to give you aid or advice, it defeats the purpose. You would have succeeded or failed because of my influence, not your own."

[Dawson]

Sweet sweet Arienne..  If only she COULD give me aid or advice.. but not about my vision quest.. about the one thing that seems to dance at the edge of my mind.. the edge of reason... but one can not often give advice about something that they themselves are at the very center of.

I smile, or should I say, half smile.  The corners of my mouth turn upwards, but my eyes do not reflect the lie of it all.

"You misunderstand, Ari. Im not looking for your advice about whether to do the quest... I have made my decision.  I will leave the safety of your uncles home.. and the sanctity of your arms, to pursue this quest.  It is the only path left to me where my actions will endanger only myself."  I reach out to take her hand, clasping it tightly in my own.   "Dont you see, love?  If I take the other path, my actions could cost others their lives."  The disaster of my last mission for Cali still echos in my mind.  I seem to have a penchant for letting my ego write cred slips that my body cant honour....  But my awareness of my own ability, or more specifically, lack thereof, has become painfully clear of late.

"My need of you.." I pause...." of your skiills... I fear I must place great demands of you, and your time, until I leave.  I fear I will need all you have taught me, and so much more if I am to be able to defeat the demons that haunt me, not just keep them at bay."

My need of Ari goes so much deeper than I am willing or able to admit, at least outloud.  When she is not here, it is almost a physical hunger that makes me yearn for her return.  And not just to bed her, altho that is certainly one of the benefits of her being near.  But when she is not with me, I feel somehow incomplete.  Maybe incomplete is not the best word.. for I am certainly whole, at least of physical being.  But when she is with me, I feel somehow more than I am when she is not. 

"For as much as I do not take this quest lightly, Arienne, do not think of the path I am setting out on as a one way journey.  The road that I must follow will go 2 directions.. for while it must certainly take me from here, it will also bring me back.  But to ask you to wait for me.. when I do not know how long I will be gone, or even who I will be when I return....This is something I cannot ask.   To hope... to wonder.. most certainly.  But to ask this of you?"  I shake my head "No......"

"So, Arienne.. I will ask you to come to me, spend your days and nights with me.  Teach me all that you can.  And if, when I return, you are here... then there are other things I will ask of you.  But for now, I will demand much of you.  I am selfish, Arienne.  And I will not share you with anyone for the short time we have left. "

[GM Craig]

She smiles, but it is a sad smile.

"Dearheart, I will give you all that I can. And I will ask my uncle to let us be until the time for you to go arrives. I am still wounded, I will need some to rest. But if my uncle needs me, I must answer."

She takes your hand and holds it to her cheek. "Please understand: I will give you everything I can, and I may even be able to give you all that you ask. But I must honour my obligations to my family - I cannot promise you I will be yours alone."

She kisses your hand. "I know you want me to promise, but I cannot."

[Dawson]

I am incredibly selfish, and I know this to be true.  But there is very little that I can do about that.

"It will be as it must, I suppose." I sound like a recalcitrant child, petulant and spoiled.  How did I become this greedy, needy woman...

"Will you go to your uncle now?" I pause  "Speaking of your uncle.. you did spend a goodly portion of your day with him today.. Dare I ask what passed between you?  Or is this to be yet another thing unspoken between us?" 

[GM Craig]

She smiles, but it seems a little sad.

"If I am told something in confidence, and I do not tell you, does that become something between us?"

She sighs. "At your request, I went to arrange a meeting for you with my uncle. Before he would agree, we spoke at length. About you, and about other things. Once our conversation was concluded, he bade me attend the medical bay and have my wound checked. He then urged me again to spend some time in the bacta tank. I refused the bacta, but went for a check at the medical bay before returning here."

She shrugs. "Dawson,will you speak your mind to me? I have been left with the impression for some time now that you are wanting something, but you do not tell me what it is."

[Dawson]

It is easy enough to attempt to side step her question, but I know it will not go unchallenged.  Maybe not directly, but indirectly, and will not be avoided long. 

"And what did the medic have to say about your present condition, dear heart?  You look wan, but there is still fire in  your eyes."  I do not mention that there is still a stiffness to her movement that tells the truth of the matter.  "Do I need to drag you back to the bacta tank myself?" I chide her gently.

There are so many things moving through my mind, I wish she could just delve right in amongst my thoughts and swim about, finding threads of ideas, dreams, hopes and fears that sway about like so much grass in a sea-bed. 

But one thought strikes to the forefront of my mind like a bolt of lightening.  And the unexpectedness of it causes me to blink in surprise. 

[GM Craig]

She smiles. "The wound is not bad, and our doctor agrees that a bacta dip would be more than is required for the injury. But you, Dawson, have not lived among my people so long that I fail to see such a blatant redirection. You do not have to answer my question, but it seems to me that what you continue to leave unsaid puts more between us that any conversations I might have with my uncle."

Then she sees your surprise, and concern creases the skin between her brows. "What is it, dearheart?"